WARNING: EXPLICIT IMAGERY & COLLOQUIAL LANGUAGE

"i believe you" : Show Me Your Life, Sexwork

these are the people... we do not exist familiar in any room/ as long as we remain invisible, you never have to look at our little black books/ at who our tricks were (in some cases still are)/ their husbands and their fathers and their brothers and their girlfriend’s husband, too, and their ministers and their doctors and their stockbrokers and their cops and their politicians and their bosses and their co-workers and their colleagues and their priests and the people they tell their secrets to/ these are the people who pay to fuck us/

The sex worker is condemned to a moral and economic Armageddon

Universal Declaration of Human Rights (1948)

• No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment (article 5)
• No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation (article 12)
• Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks (article 12)

tim barrus: interview with a suicide

In the mental health landscape of explosive land mines, there is a sort of numb feeling where those of us on one side of the railroad tracks know we can usually talk them out of it. I could not talk him out of it.

He carried out his threat.

I did not know him but I knew him. His nightly emails were predictable.

He is no longer at-risk.

We talked late into the night. Every night. I will miss him but I will not miss him. “You are the only person who will miss me,” he’d say.

“I don’t believe that.” I honestly did not believe it.

It will take me a while to put together our last conversation.

We talked at length about what AT-RISK means.

I would go to bed at 3am and that would be it. Until tomorrow, then…

That has ended.

His life has ended. I found him so articulate.

Tomorrow I will put our last conversation together. He was so serious.

I need air.

In our own species, suicide usually means deliberately trying to end our psychological existence—or at least this particular psychological existence. Suicide attempts and serious suicide ideation (e.g., thoughts that include suicide plans), each more frequent than suicide deaths, also carry a substantial health burden. In the United States suicide deaths outnumbered homicide deaths by 5 to 3.  Suicide is the third leading cause of death for 10-24 year olds, and the eighth leading cause of death for males.  Males die by suicide more frequently than females by a ratio of 4 to 1. 

Male Sexual Abuse and Rape

Source: Abused Empowered Survive Thrive

Rape and sexual assault can happen to anyone, including males. Many thousands of men and boys are sexually assaulted and raped every year, and it has nothing to do with their race, class, age, religion, sexual orientation, size, appearance, or strength. A male can be sexually assaulted by a stranger, a family member, friend, baby-sitter, or someone he knows and trusts such as a teacher etc.

Experts expect that more than 1 in 5 men are sexually violated during their lifetime. Even though male sexual assault remains vastly under reported, the United States Department of Justice, for example, documents over 13,500 cases of male rape every year, and many more cases of childhood sexual abuse. This is thought to be only the tip of the iceberg, the true number been at least 5 to 6 times higher. In the UK there are no government figures that I can locate.

The sexual abuse of males brings with it some different and extra issues for the male victim of abuse. Many of these come from what society has in the past taught males that they should be like, even though many of these assumptions are quite wrong.

For instance :- all males should be strong and able to safeguard themselves. Of course, some males are physically strong, but physical strength is NO guarantee that a male can protect himself. Unfortunately the male victim of abuse has such ideas to deal with on top of the abuse, and in most cases, these ideas will make it vastly harder for a male to deal with the abuse.

Males also tend to mistrust their sexuality because of the abuse more than females do. To some extent this is because we males get an erection at the drop of a hat, usually when we do not need nor want one. For the abuser this gives a weapon that he can use… "You must have liked it because … you got an erection… or you ejaculated… or both". This is quite wrong of course, but does lead to a lot of confusion.

Getting an erection is NOT under the person's control; it is a REFLEX reaction to stimulation, as is ejaculation.

Neither of which means that you found the experience pleasurable and neither of which mean that you must be gay or bisexual, and neither which were your fault if you are gay or bisexual. Whilst it is true that it is possible to think of thoughts that will cause an erection, it is not possible to think of thoughts that will stop you getting an erection when being stimulated. Also, muscles in the anus often relax when a man is raped, but this if also true of any animal on the planet that it very afraid, and NOT a sign that you wanted, nor enjoyed, the experience.

Males who have been abused often have problems with sexuality, masturbation problems, having been brought up to be strong, dealing with anger and other things.

The Hanging Man (art installation; no boys were harmed in this recreation)

"Sexual Abuse: Surviving the Pain" by Barabara E. Bogorad, Psy.D., A.B.P.P.

Founder and Former Director, Sexual Abuse Recovery Program Unit, South Oaks Hospital, New York

Introduction

Reported incidents of child sexual abuse are markedly on the rise. What is especially shocking is the fact that these reports represent only a small portion of actual occurrences of sexual abuse. Incest affects individuals and families regardless of class, income, profession, religion or race. The statistics are truly alarming. It is currently estimated that one-third of all children are sexually abused before the age of 18. This includes 40% of all females and 30% of all males. The vast majority of these reports involve very young children, below age seven.

Every year in this country, two million children are brutally beaten or sexually abused. 340,000 new cases were reported in 1989 (U.S. Advisory Board, April, 1991). Of these abused children, 3,000 to 5,000 die every year. In New York State alone, 200 bodies of sexually and physically abused children are found each year and not even identified. These are the ultimate victims.

Children who are neglected or sexually abused are known to have lower IQs and an increased risk of depression, suicide and drug problems. Abused children are 53% more likely to be arrested as juveniles, and 38% more likely to be arrested for a violent crime. During preschool years, abused children are more likely to get angry, refuse direction from teachers, and lack enthusiasm. By the time they reach grade school, they are more prone to being easily distracted, lacking in self-control, and not well-liked by peers. l

Myths

There are many commonly held beliefs about sexual abuse. One is that abusers are always men. In fact, reports of female perpetrators are on the rise, involving both male and female victims. At least 5% of abusers are known to be women. Another myth is that the abuser is usually a stranger. More than 70% of abusers are immediate family members or someone very close to the family. Remember - bad guys don't always look bad; they're often the people we love. A third myth is that the abuser is always hated. Often the victim loves and protects the perpetrator. Some children feel "special" about the abuse. It may be the only attention or physical contact they're getting. Because of this, some survivors even into adulthood will deal with the abuse by minimizing it. Thus, they make the abuser and the events "OK", to make it feel like they're okay. An additional myth is that only females are sexually abused. In fact, 30% of all male children are molested in some way, compared to 40% of females.

Occurrence of Abuse

If you are one of the survivors, you are acutely aware that these numbers represent much more than statistics. They represent the pain and anguish and shattered dreams of so many individuals. You are also aware, if you are a survivor, that it's often not the mysterious stranger in a trench coat who commits this type of crime. Typically it's a friend, a parent, someone you love and trust - and it often happens at home. The effects of this kind of brutal betrayal are shattering and may last a lifetime.

Specialists in the addiction field (alcohol, drugs and eating disorders) estimate that up to 90 percent of their patients have a known history of some form of abuse. Recent studies (Calam, 19892; Blume, 19893) point out that substance abuse, including "food abuse," is a frequent aftermath of early sexual abuse. Current studies (Koopmans, 19904) demonstrate that the vast majority of children and adolescents who attempt suicide have a history of sexual abuse as well. However, many individuals are resistant to seeking treatment for sexual abuse. This is especially true for males and adolescents. Men are often extremely reluctant to admit to any history of abuse and often fail to identify it as such. Many survivors are in denial of the effects of early abuse and may fail to see any connection with later tendencies toward ongoing abusive relationships, feelings of self-loathing, inability to trust, or problems with intimacy. Some patients denigrate themselves further, claiming that their abuse could not have been "as bad" as that of other victims. All abuse is bad.

Defining Sexual Abuse

The diversity of examples and case histories may lead one to ask, "What is sexual abuse?" There are many definitions. One of the most succinct is provided by the Incest Survivors Resource Network.5 They state "the erotic use of a child, whether physically or emotionally, is sexual exploitation in the fullest meaning of the term, even if no bodily contact is ever made." This last point - "no bodily contact" - is crucial. A parent who exposes a child to intercourse or deviant sexual behaviors or pornographic materials is abusing that child. New York State law now clarifies that such abuse is a crime. The law defines a sexually abused child as one whose parent or person legally responsible for the child's care, commits, allows to be committed, permits or encourages a sex offense against the child, including prostitution, incest, obscene sexual performance or sexual conduct.

Sexual abuse in the extreme includes ritual and cult abuse. Ritual abuse involves a specific rite or form in which the abuse is encapsulated. Cult abuse embraces a "religious" or spiritual belief system, usually Satanic. Cults may consist of individual "dabblers" or small, isolated groups. They may also include generations within families or whole segments of communities. They operate by destroying all bonding for their victims, and surrounding the child with total unpredictability or powerlessness. Drugs or trickery may be employed...sometimes even murder.

Defining Incest

Incest was traditionally defined as sex between close relatives. But incest is, above all, abuse; abuse by the very person(s) entrusted with the child's care. Incest is "any use of a minor child to meet the sexual or sexual/emotional needs of one or more persons whose authority is derived through ongoing emotional bonding with that child."6

Incest is especially common in alcoholic families, where judgment and boundaries are impaired. If the perpetrator always commits the act while under the influence of alcohol or some other substance, (s)he may have no memory of the events. Victims also may or may not remember. The trauma may be so severe that part or all of the abuse is blocked from conscious memory. This may continue for many years until something triggers a "flashback," although the effects of the abuse, emotionally or behaviorally, continue all along. The protective role of such blocking must be explained to patients who may, in fact, experience increasing flashbacks as treatment continues.

My own growing awareness of this led to the start of the Survivors' Group Program at South Oaks Hospital in July, 1988. I began with five women patients. Within a year and a half, I was easily able to expand the groups and the program to include six times that many patients from the hospital - men and women, adolescents and adults. This grew into a full-scale Sexual Abuse Recovery Program with inpatient, outpatient, and aftercare components. It was the first unit of its kind on the East Coast, and was unique for Long Island, despite the pervasiveness of individuals with life problems stemming from a background of abuse. Survivors are everywhere.

Reporting Sexual Abuse

Health professionals are legally obligated by New York State to report suspected child abuse when there exists reasonable cause to suspect. Absolute certainty is not required. The professional may be civilly or criminally liable if no report is made and is provided legal immunity for making the report. The call is made to the New York State Central Register of Child Abuse (1-800-342-3720). Anyone may call this number to report suspected abuse.

Identifying Abused Children

No child is psychologically prepared to deal with ongoing or intensive sexual stimulation. Even very young children, two or three years old, may sense that the sexual activity is "wrong," but they are unable to stop it. Children are frequently threatened that if they tell anyone, they will be killed or sent away, or their puppy will be killed; or their whole family will breakup.

Children subjected to sexual over-stimulation, with or without threats, will develop problems. Those older than five years of age become caught between loyalty to or dependence on the perpetrator, and shame at doing something "wrong." Over time, the child develops low self-esteem, feelings of being worthless or "dirty," and an abnormal view of sexuality.

How do you recognize such children? There are many signs:

Withdrawal and mistrust of adults

Suicidality

Difficulty relating to others except in sexual or seductive ways

Unusual interest in or avoidance of all things sexual or physical

Sleep problems, nightmares, fears of going to bed

Frequent accidents or self-injurious behaviors

Refusal to go to school, or to the doctor, or home

Secretiveness or unusual aggressiveness

Sexual components to drawings and games

Neurotic reactions (obsessions, compulsiveness, phobias)

Habit disorders (biting, rocking)

Wears long sleeves in hot weather (to hide bruises?)

Unusual sexual knowledge or behavior

Prostitution

Forcing sexual acts on other children

Extreme fear of being touched

Unwillingness to submit to physical examination

Specific physical indicators of recent sexual abuse include:

Difficulty in walking or sitting

Torn, stained or bloody clothing

Pain or itching in genital area

Bruises or bleeding in genital area or mouth

Pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, especially in preteens

Repeated urinary infections or genital blockages

Identifying Adults Abused As Children

The effects of early sexual abuse last well into adulthood, affecting relationships, work, family, and life in general. Individual symptomatology tends to fall into four areas: 7

1. Damaged goods: Low self-esteem, depression, self-destructiveness (suicide and self-mutilation), guilt, shame, self-blame, constant search for approval and nurturance.

2. Betrayal: Impaired ability to trust, blurred boundaries and role confusion, rage and grief, difficulty forming relationships.

3. Helplessness: Anxiety, fear, tendency towards re-victimization, panic attacks.

4. Isolation: Sense of being different, stigmatized, lack of supports, poor peer relations.

Adult incest survivors may demonstrate some of the following symptoms:

Fear of the dark, fear of sleeping alone, nightmares, night terrors

Difficulty with swallowing, gagging

Poor body image, poor self-image in general

Wearing excessive clothing

Addictions, compulsive behaviors, obsessions

Self-abuse, skin-carving (also addictive),

Suicidality

Phobias, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, startle response

Difficulties with anger/rage

Splitting/ de-personalization, shutdown under stress

Issues with trust, intimacy, relationships

Issues with boundaries, control, abandonment

Pattern of re-victimization, not able to say "no"

Blocking of memories, especially between age one and 12

Feeling crazy, different, marked

Denial, flashbacks

Sexual issues and extremes

Multiple personalities

Signs of posttraumatic stress disorder

Certain issues appear repeatedly. For example, victims typically blame themselves for the abuse, even if they were two or three years old at the time of the event. Guilt and shame are expressed, along with intense feelings of rage.

If the rape or molestation was committed by an individual of the same sex (i.e., a man abusing a boy), questions regarding sexual orientation tend to arise in the patient ("I must be gay; after all, a man raped me!"). Female victims will frequently develop sexually promiscuous lifestyles in an effort to "conquer" the situation and bring it under their control. In other instances individuals will largely withdraw from any social or sexual interactions in order to avoid the feared stimuli, and turn toward extremely isolated lives.

The connection that is made for victims between sex and pain (love and humiliation, closeness and betrayal) is a particularly disastrous one. Frequently patients will express and/or demonstrate the belief that the only way to be loved or cared for is if they are also being abused ("I knew if I didn't let him keep beating me, I'd always be alone"). Often, in the extreme, physical and sexual abuse are even viewed as a normal part of everyday life. Healthy boundaries do not exist for these individuals, and therefore, healthy relationships are impossible. Victims will actually respond to feelings of loneliness or sadness by abusing themselves (e.g., self-mutilation) if the "significant other" is not available to do so.

One of the more difficult issues that arise is the recollection, by some individuals, of experiencing a certain amount of physical pleasure during a molestation or incest. This adds enormously to the sense of being at fault and "dirty." Thus, one of the aims of treatment is to educate survivors as to normal physiological responsiveness. The realization that their feelings are/were normal helps tremendously toward alleviating the sense of shame.

Even when individuals have spoken of their abuse prior to group treatment, any pleasurable aspects have typically been denied. The opportunity to relate to others who have shared these feelings, as well as the experience, is part of the healing power of this form of therapy. The sense of isolation, of being "different from the whole world," quickly begins to subside. It is only in revealing the secrets and dealing with the pain that survivors of sexual abuse can and do go on with their lives.

I am Raef in Show Me Your Life. I am a fag hore. I was in jail. I am a pece of shit. Tim Barrus was writing about guilt today. I always feel really bad cuz I no I am a bad person when the men who pay to fuck me are fucking me. I am like to kill myself. But I had to make money cuz my mom is a junkie. I had to buy her dope. Tim says do not say where you lived so I will not write that. I do not no to write it like in words about guilt. Tim helps me but it is still my project. These are just images that go by like ones in my head. The ones like guilt and the one with cum in my ass i took. I am hiding from her. I do not want to go back. I do not want to kill myself but I might cuz your feelings go up and down. I tried to scratch some of this film like the time she was scratching me cuz I said I will not get fucked for you to by dope no more. She scratched me bad. But I do not think the scratches I made here show up to good. I do not no how to write this. Just saying Tim is helping me but when you are done does the guilt go away? I am very depresing. I did not no I was a sex worker Tim said I am one. But I am trying to stay alive but I might steal a car and drive it into a tree.